Dancing With the "Stars" is Back

I can't wait to watch Dancing With the "Stars" tonight so I can relive the glory days of when I was on a show with a bunch of people with actual accomplishments as if I was one of them. Well, to be fair, I'm a famous practitioner of reproductive arts, and that's not as easy as it sounds. Sometimes you really have to take a pounding. Of course, as I have stated previously, I am the only person in the history of the show to ever gain weight while on the show. That was hard and something we aren't really supposed to talk about here on Lake Lucille. It was all that darned junk food. I mean what else could cause that rapid of weight gain (in spite of vigorous exercise)? Anyhow, I really proved myself on that show by staying in as long as I did in spite of the fact that I moved like a pregnant yak. People were amazed I stayed on as long as I did against way better dancers.

That's me right after the show ended.

Mr. President: Call Me Any Time (Updated)

Dear President Obama,

I'll bet you're scouring the internets for my phone number. I really hope you are because I so want you to call me. I was thinking since my case is so much like Sandra Fluke, except that I had unprotected sex and got knocked up. (And did it again, but we aren't talking about that.) You rightly said on the campaign trail I shouldn't be attacked. Why has that changed since I managed to cash in on the fact that I got pregnant? I mean, nobody should be calling me a slut any more than Sandra Fluke. After all, I ended up making out-of-wedlock sex into a paying gig. There is a word for that but it isn't "slut." Just because I went "pro" doesn't make me less of a victim. That's why I'm putting up a paypal button, so that everyone can balm my sorrows with a little cash donation. I know you'd be proud of your daughters if they could make a buck off of becoming unwed mothers. Plus, my mother is the Queen of Alaska. Anyway, Mr. President, call me any time.

Sincerely,
Bristol the Pistol

UPDATE: My mother issued a royal decree that the unfortunate case of my massive "weight gain" during Dancing With the "Stars" is not to be spoken of, or I'd have tried to milk that bout for all it was worth too. The abstinence industry would have loved it. I guess if I can't cash in on unprotected sex any more, I might decide to try some of that birth control and then maybe I really will have something in common with Sandra Fluke. Still, I can probably get some more mileage out of the first pregnancy. I'm thinking my next book might be titled "Premarital Sex For Fun and Profit-- The Bristol Palin Method for Making Getting Knocked Up Pay."

Game Change

I totally didn't watch the HBO film Game Change, so I can totally tell you how mean it all is. That's cuz I totally didn't watch it, just like my mom totally didn't. We had this family get together, in fact, where we sat on the sofa and didn't watch it. It was right there on the TV thingy and we were sitting there showing how much we didn't care about it by sitting right in front of it not watching Julianne Moore saying the exact stuff my mom said. I didn't watch it but that chick that plays me doesn't even look preggers. We don't even know who that Julianne Moore person is. And we've never heard of Tina Fay, either. Everybody is so unfair and bad to us by saying stuff that we did like we did it even though we did. They should just lie. Don't they know how to lie? The whole point of the campaign was my mother and our family. Everything else is second to that. How disloyal.

Whatever happened to loyalty lying your ass off?

Update: this was totally written by Bristol. Totally. Believe it because if you don't you're not loyal.

Welcome to My Blogi-Thingy

I'm Bristol Palin and you probably know me for getting knocked up cuz that's my main accomplishment. I know, not everyone can pull off such a feat before even graduating high school, but I'm considered "gifted" in the reproductive arts. Everybody has a talent and mine is the non-understanding, and/or, use of birth control. And along with the unique configuration of my heels... well, let's just say it's a no-brainer for me.

I also am the first person to ever gain weight on Dancing With the "Stars". That took some doing (it). I'm going to do my damndest to cash in on my baby making talents like I did with the book that someone wrote and then I put my name on. I'm the main example of why not to get knocked up because it doesn't pay. I have totally suffered for an out of wedlock pregnancy by being rewarded handsomely, but don't try this at home. It's only for reproductively gifted professionals at getting knocked up. You can follow me here for exciting updates about my amazingly varied positions here on the banks of Lake Lucille.

Keep reading this thingy that someone is writing like I'm writing it and I'll keep doing what I do best. I'll have to wear some major scarves for a few months which I expect nobody will notice, cuz you're not supposed to unless you're supposed to.